P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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