As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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