The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Randomize
