you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
