You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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