So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
