I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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