I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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