Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
