Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
