4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The maid of honor just puked.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
