Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
