It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
