Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
