Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
