I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
