I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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