sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Got a toothbrush?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
