I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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