do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
