dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
