Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
