Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
