my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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