I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
