In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
