I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
