my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
