So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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