I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
