Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
