put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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