Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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