You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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