dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just gargled with NyQuil
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
