Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
