I got chris browned last night
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Operation Purity has been aborted
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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