Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
