Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
