Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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