I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
