The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
