he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
