Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
