The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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