Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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