So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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