He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
