Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
