Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
as a side note pls kill me
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
